Did You Know May 15 is PDA Day?

Well it is. Pathological Demand Avoidance syndrome (PDA) is a type of autism where being given orders causes you extreme anxiety and as a result you resist anything that can be interpreted as a demand, even a damn suggestion or if someone says something you didn’t expect. 

I’m sick of going through year by year with hardly anyone giving a toss about this day, mainly because the media won’t do any stories on it. Sure, they’ll do their autism fluff pieces of Autism Awareness Day. Autism Awareness Day. Like what the fuck is that even meant to be about now? People are aware of autism, what they’re not aware about is the PDA type. Those are the types of stories the media needs to tell.

You know there’s not even an official form of treatment for PDA and probably no research into medical treatments because people hardly know about it or they’re just too busy trying to cure autism or creating treatments for autism and thinking it’s going to work on PDA. I got news for you – it won’t. The only type of treatment for PDA is not triggering PDA anxiety by rewording your demands and negotiating with PDAs when you accidentally do trigger them. A lot of people just trigger the anxiety anyway, despite being told time and time again by me to not do that. I even have a whole thread stickied on Twitter telling people who are interested in following me that, and Twitter is the one place I get triggered ALL THE TIME! I just have to ignore people, mute conversations or their accounts, and even block.

People seem to like me and I don’t even know why. Sometimes I’m a complete asshole to them but they remain so I don’t know what they like about me. I don’t like anything about me. I can’t feel anything for them. I can’t feel anything for anyone. I feel no connection to a single human on this Earth. I can like people and even love them, but there’s still no connection. If people knew what kinds of thoughts I had about them they wouldn’t stick around.

When people give me a demand I feel instantly attacked and controlled by them. When they suggest something to me I act just like you do when you feel threatened. When they say something I didn’t expect especially if it’s not in my world view then I have the urge to argue with them.

As a result I have no friends and though I want to make one or two I just don’t want to have those feelings about them. I can’t live with people so I pay double rent which then makes me feel financially unstable.

I know I’ll probably piss off the Neurodiversity community but I don’t care. PDA is not a difference, it’s more like an anti-social personality disorder. There is nothing positive about having to isolate yourself from people because they make you so angry. There’s nothing positive about resorting to social manipulation because you want to stop your anxiety. And it’s not gaslighting. You never put the other person down, but make it like you put yourself down, and sometimes you don’t even realise you’re doing it. Oh sure, you can pretend there’s positives to it like oh, we’re good at role playing. Who the fuck cares? The positives do not outweigh the negatives.

People who don’t experience PDA cannot imagine the constant suffering we’re under for being given everyday demands even from things that aren’t demands. We don’t need positivity or self-identity before there’s any real treatment or therapy or widespread knowledge about PDA in the medical profession.

And obviously I’m not talking about everyone with PDA but this is a reality for some and they shouldn’t be drowned out by all those positive stories. 

PDA is not positive for me. It is frustrating and lonely. It is primarily the cause of my depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts. I literally could kill myself over it, because how can a person just not get along with any other person? That’s no kind of life. I hear people talk all the time by how much they hate people but they don’t know what it’s like to actually feel that. If you’ve got friends or are in a relationship you don’t hate people. Stop pretending that you do. When you’re alone and feel constantly attacked by people and no longer trust them, then you know what it’s like to hate them. 

The loneliness is worse for me because my neighbours are literally on the other side of my apartment wall. I can’t understand how they all get along with each other. Only one says hi to me and I wish we could say more. I wish I could know him more but I also know what that turns into. I can’t be close to anyone. I can’t have friends, a roommate or a relationship. All because of one thing that I was born with.

If I got rid of it then I might have a chance to have a normal life. Notice I didn’t say autism but PDA is autism so to get rid of PDA then I get rid of autism too. Oh well. There was a time where it was pretty enjoyable to have, but it lasted too long. I kind of want something different now. 

SJ

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